Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. I was informed that my package would arrive between 9.31 and 10.12 and that my drone would be Silas. Package did not arrive until 10.43, which was doubly frustrating since the package contained an avocado, and 9.31-10.12 was the one small window of time in which it would have been perfectly ripe. I was also disappointed to discover that my drone was not Silas but Ian.”
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. Your drone went to the wrong door then complained that the distinction between the functioning exterior door of my house and the non-functioning exterior door of my house was ‘not exactly fucking obvious’. I said it was absolutely fucking obvious and that other drones hadn’t had any problem navigating their way around the situation. Drone then grew surly and resentful, making a judgemental comment about the disparity between my online spending habits and the overall condition of my home.”
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. Please resend my package in the care of a second drone. I shot your first drone out of the sky with an air rifle, having mistaken it for the onset of the apocalypse. Some coffee filters and my aunt’s 60th birthday bath salts were destroyed in the process.”
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. Your drone left my package in my green recycling bin. The contents of the bin have since been collected and driven to the town of Newton Abbot. I have since phoned the town of Newton Abbot. The town has expressed regret that it cannot help.“
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. Drone delivered package at night time, coinciding with a heavy smoking session involving me and Pete. Pete freaked out at drone, believing drone was an alien craft from another galaxy, and began to throw pine cones, pebbles and other loose garden paraphernalia at drone. Drone panicked, zigzagged, then flew directly into chimney. Chimney was built in 1876, very solidly, by well-known local building firm better known for refortifying churches, castles and other large structures. It is hard to tell whether drone is now dead or merely stunned. We are both totally freaking out, Pete especially.”
“Dear Amazon Drone Complaints Department. Prior to delivering my package, your drone blatantly manhandled it in front of me and said, ‘Ooh, that feels like an LP to me.’ I confirmed to drone that drone’s suspicions were correct. Drone asked what LP package contained, specifically. Told drone it was Aretha Franklin’s ‘Aretha Arrives’ LP, from 1967. Drone asked if it was just a modern repress. Told drone it was actually a first pressing, although just a VG- American one, which is a little less pricey and arguably less great than the UK one. Drone said it didn’t really matter – it was the songs that counted. Invited drone in to witness Aretha at her peak and made drone two cups of Feel New herbal tea. Listened also to Roberta Flack’s ‘First Take’ from 1969, and Marlena Shaw’s ‘Who Is This Bitch, Anyway?’ from 1975, before drone left. Saw drone in town next day, flying above Tesco, and waved to drone with a big smile on my face. Drone glanced down then looked blankly into middle distance. Please can amazon ask drone drone in fact didn’t see customer waving or perhaps had done something to upset or offend drone during previous afternoon’s encounter.”
