Cat Horoscopes

Aries

This week you will see a ghost but nobody will notice when you look startled about it since you look like that a lot of the time already anyway. Later, a serendipitous series of events - mostly vole-related - will take you on a long journey (24 yards) but when you arrive at your destination you will do nothing except clean your rear end then wander casually back in the direction you came from.

Taurus

Beware of not getting your rest. Less than 21 hours of sleep can have a negative effect on your working life.

Gemini

This week brings a significant fork in the road for you, in the form of having to decide whether to sit inside an out-of-use shelf unit or on a pile of freshly laundered towels.

Cancer

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Unless your enemy is that pressure washer Colin purchased the other day.

Leo

The time has come to make a change in your life. Specifically, stop following people to the toilet then sitting there staring at them. It’s creepy.

Virgo

A tall dark stranger is set to walk into your life this week, and then walk out again, when you take a piss in his hydrangeas. However, do not fear, because soon after that wedding bells will ring! Not for you. You’re a cat. But you’ll hear them, coming from a nearby church, and they’ll annoy you.

Libra

Your meow is actually really lame. Nobody has the guts to tell you normally, as they want to protect your feelings, but it’s high time you knew the truth.

Scorpio

The moment has come to ask some of life’s big questions. For example: “If I puke on this sofa, does it officially count as mine?”

Sagittarius

There is an ancient eastern proverb that states “Something lost often leads to something found.” The coming few days will be a case in point, as you lose that emasculating pink collar Pam and Brian bought you but find a chunk of old toast to lick nearby.

Capricorn

A big week for you! You’ll lick a spider out of next-door’s tabby’s ear and have a long, emotive dream about a Yorkshire terrier.

Aquarius

This week you will ignore an overpriced toy your owner bought to keep you occupied but piss about for hours with the polystyrene packing beads it arrived with.

Pisces

Go away. I am eating.

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Brad Francis, Deputy Assistant Senior Head Negotiator Of Sales Experience

From the first time I heard his voice, I could tell Brad Francis was an oily character. It was the kind of voice that was always slipping out of your hand: one of those that, whatever their background, all estate agents seem eventually destined to end up with, a parody of well-spoken eloquence that was, in reality, entirely constructed from evasion and sickly sweet unguents and resin. If I’d had my way, I wouldn’t have had to put up with the displeasure of speaking to him at all. Unfortunately, I wanted the house he had been entrusted to sell, and I wanted it harder than anything I’d ever wanted in my short life.

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Hannah was in one of her mum’s flowerbeds trying her best to make some new trainers she’d bought look weathered and dirty when she spotted the woman behind the rhododendron. The bush was not one Hannah had noticed before but she had long since decided it wasn’t her job to keep up with her mum’s obsessive plant buying, which had, in her view, crossed the line separating addiction from full-blown illness. Even as someone with little time for plants, though, she could not fail to appreciate the rhododendron’s purple flowers, which now, in early June, were reaching their apex of loveliness. From behind one of them a hand beckoned to her. She assumed the person it was attached to was one of her mum’s weird gardener friends: another of those ruddy, makeupless women with potting soil in the footwells of their cars who were always coming over and running their hands across the bark of small trees or hovering pensively over alliums. But, no, on closer inspection, Hannah had not seen this person before. Her dad had always warned her not to talk to strangers, especially the kind who hid behind shrubs, but since her birthday last week she had been in an insurrectionary frame of mind, so she wandered nonchalantly over in the woman’s direction.

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